The thing that kept me sane

Today, we are going to be talking about a very important topic, We are sincerely going to be talking about the only thing I think kept me sane very recently, and even now. I usually try to make this blog a very positive one and more about encouragement and motivation and the likes, and less of a diary kind of blog. I am usually very organised, or at least I try to be, and I try to arrange my content and post in an order I’m sure only I can understand (In my head, there’s an order although it doesn’t look like there is, lol). Having said that, this post was not in my ‘things to post’ list.

Getting right into it, I know I tell you a lot of times that a lot of things are in your control, and believe it or not, I’m not joking when I say that. Personally, I’ve been through a lot of pain, a lot of disappointments, and a lot of trauma that I had to get myself out of and through, just because the people that were supposed to do it couldn’t. They were so weak in themselves that they didn’t have the strength to cater for me. Some were so bad that I actually had repressed memories which came to me in bits years later of the things that had happened. You can imagine me just getting out of premed where I did a bit of psychology  and where we actually studied this type of stuff, but never knowing I was going through the same thing until the faithful day when it all came back (but first in bits, some bits in dream form before the actual memories surfaced). The day it happened, I remember saying; “So this happened  to me too” with silent tears streaking the sides of my face as I laid on my bed. At certain points, I wanted to go see a therapist, but didn’t have that little lush extra to spend on one (especially as a student).

People talk about having a good support system when they have friends and family around them, cheering them on, and encouraging them in their weak moments. But the lesson life has taught me, in very hard ways, is this; the only human being that goes through everything with you the same time you go through it is yourself. I mean, you wake up with yourself, sleep with yourself, shower with yourself, write tests with yourself… you are always with  yourself! And people don’t get to choose the families they are born into, so sometimes, some of us don’t get to automatically have good support systems because of the abusive homes, less-than-eager-to-support-your-dreams families, and just plain indifferent relatives that don’t give two hoots about what some of us do with ourselves. Some plainly tell you ‘you will not make it’, like it’s a fact they know, plain as day. So guess what? until we find that amazing support system, or build one for ourselves, we have to rely on ourselves. And, that’s what kept me sane; My base.

No matter the number of buckets I fill with my tears, nobody ends up doing that thing for me. Sometimes, because they just can’t help to disappoint you, sometimes because they don’t know how to help, and sometimes for reasons that are genuinely out of their control. So I end up telling myself “Eloho, you have to stand up and do this because nobody’s gonna help you”. One day, I had to repeatedly chant “I am strong. I am able. I am possible. I am capable. I can do this” in order to find that extra inner strength that is almost impossible at times to believe still exists.

So, your strongest support is your very own base, your own foundation, because family and friends may not always be there but you are always with yourself. Thus, you can’t; say hateful things to yourself or hate yourself, neglect yourself, condone other people’s disrespect to yourself, disrespect yourself, or feed yourself with poisonous and negative substance. All of those things weaken your base, and when storms from the outside threaten to overwhelm you and the family/friends aren’t with you, how would you stand up for yourself, and encourage yourself if you’re already crumbling from within?

Another thing that helped my base was hope. I always chose to hope. After grumbling, crying, complaining, and giving up, I would eventually still hope, and reluctantly pick up the towel I childishly threw in, because I knew I couldn’t play with myself like that. So, I would hope. I always had it and still always have it in my head and my heart, that there is something better than whatever pool of stinky mess I may be going through presently. I mean, there has to be. If not, what’s the point? I can never fathom to even begin to believe the alternative. There had to be a better day and there has to be. And, I have to believe that eventually all of this will end, and that every step I make gets me farther from the dung pool, closer to the shoreline, and eventually to dry, solid, unshaking ground.

That kept me from insanity, and still keeps me.

Work on your base. Work on your foundation. Be strong.

 

 

~Meme ♥

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